Welcome to Ballywood chapter 9: "We all remember where we were when we saw Harry Styles playing with that baby"

Plus, is John the new Eoin Mac Penis?

“Aisling, I can explain. It’s not what you think, honestly.”

I haven’t seen Aubrey since she was standing in my kitchen with a topless Eoin Mac Piaras, and now here she is looking contrite with two Penneys bags in each hand. She must have cleared the place out of shumpers and footies. 

I flick on the kettle and get out two mugs. It’s been an exhausting morning. I’ve spent the last hour trying to arrange last-minute transportation for Stefanie Spielberg and her entourage from Dublin Airport to Garbally. Terry Crowley is on the war path because he’s supposed to be playing nine holes with Don Hatton but it was either him or Dee Ruane’s Citroen Picasso which is covered in toddler snot and yoghurt. I had to promise Terry I’d get Pablo to give him a free car wash at the weekend. 

I’m absolutely furious with Aubrey, but also, I’m only human, so I’m dying to find out about her night of passion with Eoin. Obviously I can’t let on. 

“Mandy told me I had to fire you, Aubs,” I say, passing her a mug and one of my emergency KitKats. “She’s on the warpath. My hands are tied.” I leave what I feel is a dignified pause. “So, how was it? What I saw in those grey tracksuit bottoms, I mean, wow.”