Welcome to Ballywood chapter 2: "Baby Aisling is already being accused of being a nepo baby"
Ais settles into her portacabin
Our first chapter of 2025! Hope you enjoy, and deepest apologies for no audio this week. The editing gremlins got the better of us.
“You’re right Jordan, it’s perfect. Those cows look straight out of Central Casting.”
“I knew you’d love Ballygobbard, AJ.”
Three people in the little gaggle write things onto their iPads with their special pencils and I start to wonder if I should pretend to be taking notes on my phone too. We’re into our fourth hour of director AJ Brandin and co’s extended tour of Ballygobbard and so far they appear to be thrilled with the decisions taken by the locations team. I saw AJ himself snapping a picture of a briar on his phone and sending it to someone with the caption “insane landscape!” He described the sky as “otherworldly” when we were in the village. It’s mad seeing it through their eyes. I must admit I did puff up with pride when I gave them their welcome baskets and they tasted Carol Boland’s sausage rolls for the first time.
We’re at Garbally House now, our last stop for the day and the property that will be the home for the three bachelors in Three Men and a Baby – the 2025 version. I still haven’t read the script – I don’t have the clearance to see the latest draft– but as far as I can gather it’s going to stay true to the original, although the three lads will be playing young, hot and somehow hip farmers who end up with an unexpected baby to care for. It sounds like something that definitely should have stayed in a more urban environment but these people seem to think Ireland is the coolest place on the planet and who am I to tell them otherwise. I believe it myself, to be honest.
As soon as the tour of Garbally is finished three black SUVs swing up the driveway to whisk AJ and the producers back up to Dublin where I assume they’re staying in one of the posh hotels. Probably the Merrion. If it’s good enough for Bruce Springsteen. I’ve never stayed there myself obviously but I did accidentally crash a wedding with Sadhbh once when we went in for a cocktail after she bought me a fancy lunch for my birthday. The bride loved Sadhbh’s asymmetric bob and camo onesie so much she didn’t even mind that there were two complete strangers at her doughnut wall. She didn’t mention my Per Una dress which was a bit rude but it was her Big Day after all. I made sure to rinse the free bar for Prosecco and put a handful of brand name tampons from the bathroom in my handbag.
I’m glad I’m not part of the gaggle looking after the Hollywood bigwigs. This is my first role as a unit publicist but Mandy has told me it’s a lot of observing for any potential PR disasters and organising press visits and distributing set photography and just generally keeping the actors out of trouble. Aubrey arrives today and she actually does have some experience of working on TV sets so she’ll be a great help. I sent her an email yesterday with the opening hours of every Penneys in a 30km radius but I haven’t heard back from her yet.
“Ayesling?”
“Aisling. Yes, how can I help you?”
I’m pretty sure her name is Sterling, one of many assistants to the casting director. She’s wearing a puffer jacket with Poolboys 2 embroidered on the back and it’s so big you can barely see her face. Okay so it’s January in Ireland but it’s also eleven degrees so I think she’s being a little dramatic. The fur lined boots must have her sweating.
“We have two days of extras casting set up in-.” She checks her iPad. “The Scout’s Den next Tuesday and Wednesday. You’ll have press there? We can do twenty minutes of photos each day and Simon will do questions on Wednesday.”
“Remind me who Simon is again?”
“Simon Shinckle, the casting director. He’s BCC’d on the email chain from earlier.”
The chain she’s referring too involved about 30 different people sorting out the logistics of this film crew descending on BGB. Eoin Mac Piarais, Chris Paine and AJ are staying at Garbally itself but because Sadhbh is going to be coming with Don for the three months they’ve put them up in a house in Knock. The crew are going to be scattered around the Ard Rí, the Mountrath and various motorway hotels. It’s a massive operation.
“Perfect. And yes, I have some local and national journalists coming and a stringer from Associated Press.”
“Fantastic.” She gives me a big American smile. “Thanks Ayesling.”
I retreat to my little portacabin behind Garbally and flick on the electric heater. It might not be the Baltic temperatures Sterling is alluding to but it’s still fairly chilly in my temporary office. I open my laptop to start confirming arrival times for the press for the casting calls but click into an email from Sadhbh first.
Ais,
They fucked up our accommodation. Well, apparently there’s mould in one of the wardrobes and you know what Americans are like about mould. They don’t just paint over it like us. So they cancelled the lovely house we were supposed to have but guess what? Majella said we can stay with her and Pablo. Isn’t that so nice? They have the big new house and I can help with the baby since I went freelance. Exciting!
S x
Majella, living in a house with Don Shields. I’m surprised I didn’t hear the screams from Garbally. I feel a pang of jealousy. My Sadhbh and my Majella living together, without me. I suppose this is how Maj must have felt when I moved in with Sadhbh and Elaine in Portobello. Oh well. I have loads of work to be getting on with so at least that will keep my mind off the cosy takeaway and Dancing with the Staff binges they’re probably planning.
Since news of the baby casting hit the local Mammy Facebook groups I’m getting hounded with pictures and videos of babies whose mothers swear they can act, or can at least gurgle on cue. Some of them aren’t even cute. Denise Kelly told me her four-year-old could pass for six months in the right light if she shaved his head and Sharon’s cousin in Waterford is trying to move forward her c-section so her newborn might be out in time to make the audition. I’m trying to explain to them that I have no say when it comes to casting but Majella says Baby Aisling is already being accused of being a nepo baby since I’m her godmother. I swear to god, there wasn’t this much drama at Elton and David’s New Year’s Eve luncheon and production hasn’t even started yet.
The phone on my desk shrieks to life. It’s the new American security guard the studio has installed at the front gate. Hearing his voice reminds me that when he took my picture for my lanyard earlier I was in the middle of explaining to Sterling how to get to BallyGoBrunch and it looks like I have Bell’s palsy. I’ll have to see if he’ll let me re-take it but I’m nearly afraid to ask because I think he has a gun.
“Ayesling, I have an Aubrey here asking for you. She’s not on my list.”
Already? Her flight was due in this morning but I couldn’t pick her up at the airport because of my meeting, so I sent Terry Crowley. He must have flown down the N7. He really thinks he’s invincible on the motorway since Mad Tom sold him that anti-penalty points device which is really just a blank CD dangling from his rearview mirror.
“That’s great, Tony. You can show her where to find me. Maybe give her a heads up if you’re going to take her security pictures.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I crank up the heater and give the desk next to mine a wipe down with a tissue. It’ll be a tight squeeze in here with the two of us but Aubrey is so organised. It’s not like the time me and Majella did transition year work experience in Clap Stack’s office and she got a formal warning for how messy her desk was after two days. No, me and Aubrey have a very similar approach to work and desk management. I can’t wait to find out how her wedding planning is going. Last time I was talking to her she had everything organised, except for Jeremy’s sister’s nail polish. I wouldn’t mind but the sister isn’t even a bridesmaid, she’s only in the offertory, and the wedding isn’t til 2027.
The door bursts open. But the person standing in the portacabin isn’t the usually impeccable Aubrey, with her glasses and her shiny brown hair wearing one of the 200 shumpers she picked up in Penneys the last time she was in Ireland. This girl is dishevelled and red faced and holding a Filan’s rotisserie chicken like it’s a handbag. When she sees me she bursts into tears. I rush over and gather her into a hug while Tony gently closes the door behind her.
“Aubrey, what happened? Oh my god are you okay? Is someone dead? Did Terry Crowley go into a ditch again?”
She shakes her head, dabbing at her cheeks with a sleeve. “No, I wish. It’s nothing like that.”
“Well what has you in bits then?”
“It’s Jeremy. He cheated on me! My life is over, Aisling.”
Coming next week: It’s dog eat dog at the open audition
Jeremy the louser !!!! Ais is going to have work cut out now minding Aubs and the job. Whoof wat a development ! I’m so chuffed to have her (Aisling) back though x
Jeremy!! You little bollix!!