Welcome to Ballywood chapter 1: "Start scrubbing the cowshit off your gumboots, baby doll"
Aisling adds 'unit publicist' to her CV
“Aisling, if you’re having a ‘nice, relaxing’ bath then why did you bring your laptop in with you?” The doorknob rattles. “And you’ve the door locked! You’re working in there, aren’t you?”
“I am not,” I shout from where I’m sitting on the closed toilet, fully dressed, with my work email open in front of me. “I’m rewatching Bridgerton. You’re disturbing me and there’s riding afoot.”
There’s a pause. “You can’t be watching Bridgerton, because I have Love is Blind on Netflix out here.”
Feck. He has me there. I grudgingly reach forward and unlatch the door, which he opens immediately. There he is in front of me in the Grinch Christmas pyjamas Mammy bought him with his hands on his hips, looking extremely disappointed but exceptionally cute. The fluffy Wicked socks are really bringing the whole look together.
“I just had to check something quickly,” I lie.
He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s the last day of the Christmas holidays, Ais. We’re supposed to be having our Lord of the Rings marathon. You need a break.”
“I know but I just had to wait for something to go live and – oh my god there it is!” I refresh one more time and then sink back against the cistern. Finally, I can start telling people the news, beginning with John. And Majella. She’s been absolutely hounding me since I let her get wind of it.
“There what is?” John leans against the door frame.
“You know the way I was having some work meetings locally?”
“Yeah?”
I turn the laptop screen around so he can see the article that just went up on Deadline.com. “Big budget Three Men and a Baby remake to begin shooting in Ireland early 2025,” I read aloud. It takes a second for the penny to drop.
“Holy shit,” John gasps. “They’re filming this in BGB?”
“For three months,” I confirm.
“You’re hardly going to be in it?”
I stick my tongue out at him. “Very funny. We got the PR contract so Mandy has assigned me as unit publicist. Isn’t that exciting?”
“Jesus, that’s very swish. Fair play.”
“I got an Irish journalist freelancing in LA to write the Deadline piece. Listen to this.” I read from my screen. “‘With everyone who’s anyone wearing tiny GAA – that’s Gaelic Athletic Association – shorts and splitting the G on a pint of Guinness, Ireland is trending hard. So it makes sense that the much-loved 1987 classic will be rejigged to feature three bachelor brothers living on a picturesque farm in the lush and tax-friendly Irish countryside. Hollywood heavyweight Chris Paine will play the Ted Danson character, up-and-coming County Meath actor Eoin Mac Piarais will take on Tom Selleck’s role while Emilia Coburn will play the mom.”
“Emilia! Back in BGB, very close to Knock, where she actually belongs.”
People from Knock are convinced that Emilia’s beloved grandmother was from there while BGB folk such as myself are adamant she was from here. I scrunch up by nose at him but don’t rise any further to the bait. “And get ready for this bit, John.”
He slides down the door frame so he’s sitting on the ground. “I was born ready, Ais.”
“– musician Don Shields, frontman of Dublin band The Peigs, will make his big screen debut in the part made famous by Steve Guttenberg, as well as contributing to the film’s soundtrack.”
John’s eyes widen. “You’re joking me? Don is in it? Our Don? Jesus, fair fucks to him. I didn’t know he had his heart set on the acting.”
“Our Don! Isn’t it mad? Although he was in the Billie Barrys for six years so it feels kind of inevitable.”
“Go on, any more info?” John squints at the screen. “Does that say something about an open casting?”
I continue reading aloud in my best Anne Doyle voice. “According to industry insiders,” I grin, “that was me! – producers are hoping to call upon local talent to fill some speaking roles, as well as finding the perfect baby to play the titular Muireann, who is mistaken for a bag of heroin in a drug deal gone wrong. A-list cameos are already being hinted at by director AJ Brandin, best known for his work on the Poolboys trilogy.”
“Ryan Gosling is in those Poolboys films. I bet he’ll get him.”
Poor innocent John, as if anybody is unaware of Ryan Gosling’s recurring role as an ageing poolboy who solves murders on the side. Talk about tiny shorts! John’s phone starts ringing in his pyjama bottoms. Men even get pockets in their pyjamas. It’s almost as enraging as babies getting pockets before women. He pulls it out and checks the screen. “It’s Majella.”
I was expecting this, which is why my phone is on silent. “Put her on speaker there,” I say, shutting my laptop. The jig is well and truly up now.
For a second a sort of screaming fills the cottage. I assume it’s Baby Aisling at first, she does get very excited if a tractor drives past, but it’s actually her mother.
“Aisling, is it true? Are Chris Paine, Don Shields and Eoin Mac Piarais all going to be in BGB at the same time?”
She’s talking at a pitch so high I’m hoping she scares away the mouse that I’m pretty sure is raising a family inside my bedroom wall. “And possibly Ryan Gosling,” I add.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I’m going to puke. I need to get my roots done. I’ve fancied the arse off Eoin Mac Piarais since I first saw him in that National Dairy Council ad. I could smell the star quality off him.”
“Majella, you have a husband that you very much love,” I gently remind her.
“Pablo is here beside me, aren’t you Pab?” I hear something in Spanish and then a clatter. “He’s hoping Eoin brings Stefanie Spielberg with him when he comes. She’s on his List, you know.”
“Oh I know.” Anne Doyle is on Pablo’s List too, actually.
“And they’re casting for extras? I’m hyperventilating, Ais. This could be my big break.”
Majella has harboured dreams of making it big in the films ever since we did speech and drama after school in fourth class and the teacher – who was also Denise Kelly’s aunt – told Maj she was very poised in her delivery of Subh Milis. Denise Kelly still got to read it at the end of year showcase which was blatant nepotism but Majella has been holding onto that hope ever since. I can’t really blame her. I got to do the tambourine for the Christmas show in fifth class and Mrs Kelly – she really is a multi-talented woman – said I had great rhythm. I sometimes wonder what might have been if I had followed through with my plans to take drum lessons. Surely Caroline Corr needs an understudy sometimes.
“Now I have nothing to do with who they cast, Majella, so don’t be expecting me to do any favours.”
“Just tell me one thing, Ais.”
I stand up off the toilet and shake out my legs, holding my hand out to John to heave him up off the floor. “Go on.”
“Have they cast the baby yet? The main baby, like. It says in the article they’re still looking for her and, well, we all know a great baby. I’m thinking of getting her into pageants, actually. I ordered a flipper off Temu.”
“I think they’ll have to have a few babies. They can only work for an hour at a time or something. But Maj, I think Baby Ais might be just a bit too old.”
Majella scoffs on the other end of the phone.
“Sure don’t they always have great big lumps playing newborns? Fellas who can swipe open an iPad wrapped in a blanket and covered in jam and we’re supposed to think they just came out of the birth canal. Besides, Baby Ais is very small for her age, thanks to my bijou husband.”
I hear Pablo pipe up in the background. “I prefer ‘compact,’ mi amor.”
“And you’re going to be swanning around with the lot of them, Ais?”
“Well, I’ll be working on the set and doing the publicity.”
Maj squeals again. “This is better than the time you brought me home the leftover napkins from Bono’s vow renewal.”
After thirty more minutes of fielding calls and emails – both professional and local –John and I finally settle down for our Lord of the Rings marathon. We’re only as far as Bilbo’s birthday party though when my phone rings with Mandy Blumenthal’s name flashing on the screen. I hold it up for John to see and he searches for the remote to pause.
“Hello?”
“Aisling? Start scrubbing the cowshit off your gumboots, baby doll, because Hollywood is coming to your little Bally-go-backwards next week.”
Next week? I knew AJ, the director, and some of the producers and a casting director would be coming to BGB to get the ball rolling. I didn’t think it would be so soon though.
“Okay, Mandy. No worries. I’ll be ready to meet them. When are they arriving?”
“Tuesday. Oh and I have good news – Aubrey will be on hand to help you.”
“Aubrey is coming to BGB? I’ll have to let Eamon Filan know. When she was in Dublin she developed a worrying obsession with chicken fillet rolls.” This is brilliant. Aubrey is Mandy’s right-hand woman in New York. I had been worried about handling the workload by myself but with her here I might actually get to enjoy this whole thing.
“She told me this morning that she felt like a change of scenery. Do whatever you’ve gotta do to make this shoot go smoothly, Aisling. We’re playing with the big boys now. I’ve been on AJ Brandin’s yacht and I liked what I saw. If this goes well I’m eyeing up office space in LA. Now, I’m off to get my chakras cleansed. Toodles.”
The phone line goes dead and she’s gone. A high-stakes contract, a Hollywood director, and a potentially chaotic casting process all in my future. I put my phone on airplane mode and snuggle under John’s arm. I really need to make the most of the last of my Christmas, hobbits and all.
Coming next week: Aubrey arrives in BGB with some shocking news
Exciting times and lovely to have Aisling and John back x