#007 – Aisling's life in bumper stickers

After much agonising, Aisling makes her submission to the time capsule

Plenty has happened in BGB in the weeks since Una Hatton revealed the village had been awarded funding for the Ballygobbard Project time capsule. As artefacts began flooding in from the community, there were a number of strange occurrences, including a mystery last-minute objection to local teacher Majella Moran’s planning application. Then there was the anonymous submission of a photograph purporting to prove the existence of a local legend, the Beast of Ballygobbard, which was last seen carrying away a Bichon Frisé two decades ago.

Needless to say, Ballygobbard Project public relations manager Aisling has had her work cut out trying to keep the time capsule ticking along while the whole town has gone berserk for Beastmania. Not even Michael Buble reading a bedtime story on the Calm app could help …  

ARTEFACT #007: AISLING’S STICKERS

This was difficult. Coming up with my submission was like when they asked us to write something about ourselves on the back of the census and all I could imagine was my descendants being mortified by my handwriting, even though I won a certificate for penmanship in fifth class after months of training myself out of drawing little bubbles above my Is and Js. It was Majella’s influence. She said it was very American, and all we wanted to be when we were eleven was American. Garfield’s fault maybe. Anyway, I wrote about how certain I was that my phone was listening to me for the census because maybe in years to come they’ll have proved that the phones are listening to us. How else would you explain me talking to my fiancé John – it still feels so demented to say that – about that vibrating chair Majella is paying a fortune to sit on so she stops pissing herself, and then me getting an ad for the chair on my Instagram? €120 a go! Although Majella says she’ll do anything to stop pissing herself since having the baby* and I have to say I agree that it’s not sustainable to be going through knickers the way she is. 

It was actually John who gave me the inspiration for my chosen artefact. I got a new car last week. Brand new, if you can believe it! I’ve never had a brand-new car in my life, and Mammy and Daddy never had one either when we were growing up. I traded in my 2011 Nissan Micra for a brand-new electric car. I only went into Kenny Motors in Knock to look at the second-hand Qashqais because John needs a bit more boot space for moving gym equipment around when he’s doing his Third Act personal training sessions. That was my idea, to call the mobile sessions Third Act, because they’re for older people in the third act of their lives. Loads of them can’t make it to the gym or they feel too mortified, so he goes to their houses instead and chases them around or uses the foam roller on them or whatever. It’s great, but I’m slightly worried he might get sexually harassed. Two separate women and one man have come up to me in Filan’s to tell me they’re going to steal him off me. I couldn’t get over the price of the 2018 Qashqais and Petey Kelly told me I’d be better off with a new Leaf. He knows we’re a Nissan family ever since Daddy got his first Sunny in 1982 and drove it until it had a hole in the floor and we had to lift our feet up when it rained. Other than that it never gave him a day of trouble. 

Petey Kelly is a great salesman because before I knew it I was signing my life away, and last Monday I dropped off the good old Micra and picked up the Leaf. Petey was wondering if I wanted to hang on to my collection of stickers in the back window. I’m sentimental about things so I said I would, and he had them scraped off in no time and into the envelope with the spare key for the new car. John suggested they’d be perfect as my artefacts for the time capsule, and while I’m loathe to lose them from my memories box, they probably do represent a great snapshot of Ballygobbard life.

The first sticker is the newest of the lot. It’s a cartoon depicting the Beast of Ballygobbard sitting outside Maguire’s pub having a pint of Guinness. Underneath it it says “you didn’t see me”. When Terry Crowley showed it to me last week I knew I couldn’t leave it behind me. Apparently one of the O’Súillebháin twins drew it up for him. I ended up buying one for Majella too. Needless to say she pissed herself. Terry’s merch stall is open seven days a week now to keep up with demand.

The second one is from the BGB Gaels county final clash in 2014. I wasn’t playing because I sprained my ankle falling over a draught excluder Mammy made in Sumira Singh’s short-lived crafting circle. It was short lived because Sumira’s crafting skills are out of this world and even though I’ve never seen her deliver a cross word in my life, apparently crafts are the one topic that turn her passive-aggressive. She banned Pat The Postman Curran from using the pinking shears ten minutes in. Mammy’s draught excluder is supposed to be a snake but it’s the girthiest snake I’ve ever seen. Anyway, I missed the county final and the girls lost. I’m not saying I could have changed things on the day, but my face wasn’t one of the three chosen for the sticker for nothing.

The third sticker is a Repeal heart. It always made me feel like I needed to be on my best behaviour because if you’re driving around declaring you’re pro-choice, you don’t want to be giving any anti-choice people a reason to say you’re a road hog. Repealers indicate on roundabouts and only go through on orange if it would have been too dangerous to stop. I’m sure they’ll be teaching about Repeal in history class in a hundred years and maybe a few of the leaders will be on the bank notes. 

The fourth sticker is from the donkey sanctuary that used to be out the Garbally Road. I worked there three summers in a row and really had an affinity with the donkeys. They were only after a bit of chat. It closed in 2017 when Margerie Kinsella died and the donkeys went to a lovely farm down in Waterford. 

The last sticker is an ancient Baby on Board one that was on the Micra when I bought it. I left it on for the skit, even though Baby on Board stickers always made me laugh – as if you were going to just wallop into the back of someone if they didn’t have one! Then someone told me they’re to let emergency services know to look for a baby if there’s a crash and I felt bad for laughing. This particular sticker has a baby on it that looks like Roy Keane – Ireland’s most terrifying and handsome football player – because the Micra had a Cork registration. So, I was driving around with the good name of Cork people, Repealers and donkeys on my conscience. If I got so much as a bip I was sweating. When we did Roy Keane’s dog’s birthday party at work – I work in event planning – I was terrified he was going to see it and accuse me of Cork cultural appropriation. 

So, they’re my bits. A little snapshot into what felt important enough to stick on the back window of your car in the first quarter of the 21st century. 

P.S. It’s just dawned on me that the donkeys going to a nice farm in Waterford might have been a lie for my benefit. No, surely not? I saw pictures of Suki and Seanie eating carrots with big happy heads on them. At least I think it was Suki and Seanie.

*Majella named her baby after me and it’s just dawned on me that there might be grandchildren or great-grandchildren of Baby Aisling reading this. If so, apologies for writing about your granny wetting herself. Imagine if Baby Aisling lives to be a hundred! She might be reading this herself. 

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Coming next week: Majella breaks ground for her dream home with Pablo and Baby Aisling