#002 - Aisling and the siege of Solas FM

Skippy Brennan invites Aisling on to talk about The Ballygobbard Project, among other things

Aisling may have been up to her eyes fielding calls from Mandy Blumenthal at all hours but as public relations manager of the Ballygobbard Project there was no getting out of an interview on local radio station Solas FM to get the word out about the time capsule. You simply don’t say no to Una Hatton. Veteran broadcaster Skippy Brennan, who has been eyeing Miriam O’Callaghan’s job for years now, was keen to make sure the segment was anything but a puff piece…

ARTEFACT #002: TIME CAPSULE SEGMENT ON SOLAS FM 

SKIPPY BRENNAN: Ninety-seven-point-six you’re listening to Solas FM. Don’t move that dial! I’m Skippy Brennan and this is Skippy in the Morning. Before the break, we heard Richie Kavanagh with ‘Aon Focal Eile’ as requested by Tom Murphy. Please, Tom, I’ve played it now, you can stop texting in. Once a day, that’s what we agreed. I don’t want to have to get Garda Staunton involved again. Right! I’m joined in-studio this morning by a very special guest, the lovely and fragrant public relations manager of The Ballygobbard Project to tell us what it’s all about. Welcome to Skippy in the Morning, Aisling!

AISLING: Hiya, Skippy. Hello. Thanks for having me.

SKIPPY: Sorry Aisling, just one second there. There’s six texts after coming in from some madman asking my producer Michelle to ring him. Are you back on the dating apps, Michelle? Driving them wild? Look at her pretending to be embarrassed, Aisling. 

AISLING: I’m fairly sure Michelle is happily married? I went to her day two.

SKIPPY: Well all I’m saying is she has this fella “Dave” begging her to call… oh wait now, she’s talking in my ear. 

(a moment of silence)

SKIPPY: Okay Michelle, no need for that tone. Eh, hello to Michelle’s husband Dermot and daughter Ellie, who are listening at home. And Dave, Michelle will call you back after the show to answer your query. And she just wants to stress that she’s never met or spoken to you before. Now, Aisling, can I ask you a question?

AISLING: Absolutely, Skippy, fire away. That’s why I’m here.

SKIPPY: Are you looking to breed your herd’s next generation?

AISLING: I’m sorry, what?

SKIPPY: Did you know that as part of a well-managed breeding programme, sexed semen could be the answer to all your prayers?

AISLING: Skippy, are you okay? Can you smell toast?

SKIPPY: That’s right, Aisling, you can get seventy per cent more heifer calves with the help of today’s sponsors, Dempsey’s Sexed Semen Bulls. See dempseybulls.ie for more information. All semen sold separately.

AISLING: Er, I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.

SKIPPY: Now that we have the housekeeping out of the way, let’s get down to business. Tell me, Aisling, is it true that you’re good friends with Don Shields from Irish chart-topping phenomenon The Peigs? I’ve been trying to get him on the show for years.

AISLING: Ah, Skippy, come on. I’m not here to talk about my friends. I’m supposed to─

SKIPPY: Is there any truth to the rumour that The Peigs are going to be a surprise act at this year’s Electric Picnic? It’s all over the internet. Just blink once if I’m right.

AISLING: I’m not even going to… So! The Ballygobbard Project is a community initiative that we want the whole village to collaborate on. That’s where we need your listeners’ help!

SKIPPY: Oh, we have a couple of callers already, hang on a second there. Will we put someone through? Go on, Michelle, you choose. Line one? Hello, caller on line one, you’re live on Solas FM. What’s your name?

GRÁINNE KELLY: Hiya, Skippy, Gráinne Kelly here. I’ve a quick question for Aisling.

SKIPPY: Off you go, Gráinne.

GRÁINNE: Are Don Shields and his girlfriend, Sadhbh, getting married? It’s just my sister Bláthnaid – hi, Bláithnaid, she’s listening upstairs – was in Dublin last Saturday to queue up for the new Sculpted by Aimee primer and she swore she saw them looking at rings in Weirs.

AISLING: Look, Gráinne, I don’t know who your friend thinks she saw but Sadhbh was in Indonesia on an ayahuasca retreat last weekend. Actually, maybe I’m not supposed to say that. Can we edit that out?

SKIPPY: Live radio, Aisling. She’s a cruel mistress. So, are they getting married or not, it’s a simple question?

AISLING: Look, I came on in good faith, Skippy, and I want to talk about the project. Please! It’s very important.

SKIPPY: Fine! Let’s talk about it so. I’m looking at the press release here and it’s a time capsule, have I got that right? Very retro!

AISLING: Exactly! That’s exactly it. We want artefacts from a variety of locals to fill it up. It’s supposed to give future generations a really good insight into what life is like in Ballygobbard, both now and back in the day.

SKIPPY: Now, tell me Aisling, who’s funding this endeavour? Is this coming out of the tax payer’s pocket?

AISLING: Not at all, we got a grant from the Public Pride of Ireland and all of us on the committee are giving up our own spare time to volunteer. I’m supposed to be in a meeting with Jedward about their new line of scooters but I’ve had to push it to be here. Una Hatton, our chairperson, has pulled out of her Active Retirement guided tour of the Lake District. We’re very committed.

SKIPPY: The switchboard is blinking away at me, Aisling. I’m going to have to put through another caller. Line four, do you have a question for Aisling about the Ballygobbard Project?

DICK FINNEGAN: Good morning, Skippy, Dick Finnegan here from Dick’s pub in Knocknamanagh.

SKIPPY: You’re on with Aisling, Dick.

DICK: I just wanted to ask this young lady how come Knocknamanagh is not doing our own time capsule? I think we have the potential to put together something absolutely fantastic. It’s typical now that Ballygobackwards got in there first for the funding. It reminds me of the 1994 Texaco Art Competition scandal.

SKIPPY: Dick, please, can we not put the BGB–Knock rivalry to bed once and for all? Come on now. 

AISLING: I’m sorry, Dick, but Knock would have had the same opportunity to apply for the funding that we did. It’s not a conspiracy. 

SKIPPY: Oh, the line’s gone dead! So, Aisling, I see you’ve already had a write-up in the County Chronicle. Bit of a coincidence, isn’t it?

AISLING: I don’t… I don’t know what you’re getting at. There was a public meeting.

SKIPPY: What I mean is, do you have the press in your pocket? There’s no need to be coy.

AISLING: A journalist came to the meeting and wrote about it. There’s no bigger story here Skippy, I can promise you that. 

SKIPPY: If you say so. Will we take another caller then? Oh hang on, more texts in from Dave. He says he’s on his way to the station! Michelle, are you sure you’re not leading this man on… okay she’s giving me the evil eye. Hopefully Dave isn’t going to arrive wielding a machete. Although I have often dreamed about being at the helm of a live siege.

AISLING: You mentioned another caller? About the project? Please?

SKIPPY: My god Aisling, maybe you should be doing Michelle’s job! Okay, line two, you’re live on Solas FM. Who am I talking to?

NIAMH HATTON: Hi Skippy, hi Aisling, it’s Niamh, Niamh Hatton. Sorry if the line is a bit fuzzy, I’m here in New York City.

AISLING: Oh my god, Niamh, hiya! How are things?

NIAMH: Great, yeah. Mum sent me the link to listen in. She’s been onto me with deranged messages about how it’s my civic duty to send in a submission for the time capsule. I think she might have had a few G&Ts because she sent me a voicenote then begging me to come home for Bianca’s anniversary dinner tomorrow night. Imagine flying home from New York for the anniversary of a dead dog! Anyway, Aisling, what exactly do you need from me?

AISLING: Well, you probably could have just Whatsapped me, but I suppose we’re after anything that could help people in the future know more about what goes on in the village. Or even what life used to be like here when it was all fields. It could be a photograph or a poem or a song. An account of something interesting that happened, a diary entry, a map, even just an item that was made here. We’d love something from the diaspora too. Very glam. Are you up for it, you are?

NIAMH: Well, I can’t say no to Mum. She seems to have become quite obsessed. And it might take her mind off Bianca. You know they never found her body? You’d think after twenty years though she’d be over it.

SKIPPY: Well, it’s not every dog that’s snatched by the Beast of Ballygobbard.

AISLING: You don’t really believe..?

(Sound of loud thudding)

SKIPPY: We’ll have to leave it there line two. There appears to be a madman trying to gain access to the studio. Aisling, get under the table! I’ve watched at least three hours of hostage negotiation videos on YouTube. Oh my god! He’s in. He’s made it as far as Michelle. This is Solas FM at you’re listening live as we are under siege. What’s that Michelle? Oh, okay then.

AISLING: What’s going on?

SKIPPY: Why don’t you come into studio with us, Dave?

(studio door opens)

SKIPPY: Microphone three there, good lad.

DAVE: Eh, so I work at Maguire’s Funeral Parlour. I just started.

SKIPPY: They run a very respectful handshake line, I must say.

DAVE: I’ve to send in the death notices for the radio. And I left one off. What if nobody comes to the funeral, like? I’ll lose me job.

SKIPPY: Off you go so. We’re listening.

DAVE: Eh, Eileen Crossan. Sadly missed by son Patrick, daughter Ellen and loving grandchildren. Reposing at Maguire’s tomorrow evening with removal to St Mary’s Church at 11am on Friday. Family flowers only please. Tea and soup afterwards in the Ard Rí Hotel.

SKIPPY: Ar dheis Dé go raibh a hanam. Thank you Dave. Thoughts with Eileen’s family. Now, let’s keep things moving. Text in there to say there’s a loose bullock on the Rathborris road so motorists are advised to drive carefully. Now, Aisling, since you’re asking the whole parish to come up with artefacts for this time capsule, I presume you’ve already submitted something yourself, have you? Tell us about it.

(low thudding sound)

SKIPPY: Pull the door Dave, not push. Good man.

AISLING: I absolutely plan on submitting an artefact. At least one. I’ve just been busy with my full time job and-

SKIPPY: Your ears are not deceiving you, listeners. Sitting across from me is a woman DEMANDING artefacts for a community project yet she hasn’t done one herself! I think that’s the real story here.

AISLING: I think we should wrap this up, Skippy. I’m sorry you didn’t get your siege. I’m just appealing to locals for artefacts, that’s all. There’s a drop box in the Scouts Den. Or you can send an email to ballygobbardproject@gmail.com.

SKIPPY: Should Aisling be penalised for not creating her own artefact for the time capsule? You can have your say after the next song. ‘Aon Focal Eile’ by Richie Kavanagh. Ah, Michelle, I told him no!

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Coming next week: The Ballygobbard Project receives it’s first community-sourced artefact for the time capsule – A Day in the Life of Majella Moran, and a stressful one at that!